Nike CEO: When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough... Retire

Alright folks, let’s break this down like a pair of sneakers that somehow cost $200 but still manage to give you blisters.

So, Nike—yes, the folks who convinced us that shoes are more than shoes, they’re a "lifestyle"—just did something that got Wall Street pretty hyped. How hyped? Well, their stock went up 10% after hours. That’s like getting a standing ovation for finally taking out the trash after ignoring it for a week. The reason? Nike’s CEO, John Donahoe, said, “You know what, I’m outta here!” He’s retiring, effective October 13. That’s right, he’ll no longer be the big swoosh in charge.

Who’s replacing him, you ask? None other than Elliott Hill, a former Nike exec who retired in 2020, but apparently couldn’t resist the allure of overpriced sweat-wicking t-shirts. He’s back in the game starting October 14, just in time to deal with all the pressure and unrealistic expectations—kind of like how your gym trainer tells you "it's only one more rep," but you know it's never just one more rep.

Now, Donahoe’s been running things at Nike since 2020, but let’s just say his performance was… well, kind of like when you buy a pair of Nike Air Max thinking you’ll run a marathon, but they end up being your ‘sit on the couch and watch Netflix’ shoes. The guy faced some serious heat. Nike had to cut over 1,500 jobs this year, and back in April, the stock took a nosedive like someone tripped over their own laces. Worst one-day loss in 23 years, folks! I mean, that’s not a good look, even if your kicks are.

As for Hill, Nike’s board of directors is treating him like the prodigal son. "Elliott is the future!" they say. He’s got global expertise, a great leadership style, and—this is my favorite—*passion for sport.* Passion for sport? What does that even mean? Does he wake up and do push-ups before breakfast while watching ESPN? Either way, the board thinks he’s the guy to lead Nike into its next chapter of making sure you feel bad about not working out.

Hill’s excited too, obviously. He’s like, “I can’t wait to reconnect with the crew and bring some fresh, bold ideas to the table,” which we all know is corporate speak for “I’ll be adding more zeros to my paycheck.” But hey, if it means more shoes that no one really needs but everyone buys, who am I to judge?

So, there you have it. Nike’s changing captains, the stock is soaring, and somewhere, an intern is drafting the next "Just Do It" slogan.